Selfish

So, I have come to realize some more interesting things about myself. I have realized that no matter what it pertains to, I make everything about me. I want to blame that on my past and that throughout my childhood I was the only one there for me. That so many times the people I trusted and put my faith in, just ended up abusing it and me in the process. I don't know how many times I'm going to use this excuse and continue to beat my past into a corner until I slaughter it and forget all about it. But, that's not what the saying goes. Learn from your past. I have just now started learning from my past, today actually. Early today when I realized that the reason why my past relationship failed, was in large part, due to me and my selfishness. I made everything about me, even though it wasn't. Her grandmother dies, she's going through a rough time, and I make things about me. I'm not going to say how I intially did this, just know that it makes me feel horrible down to my very soul. Sure, I can say that I didn't realize what was happening, but the worst part is I probably did know what was happening and I just tuned it out for my own selfish reasons. Only today did I learn how much of a jerk I am, and it actually made me cry. She did not deserve what I had done, and instead of apologising, I made it even worse. I created an even larger rift between us, one that I hope she gives me the chance to repair. I promise from this day forth that I will put my loved ones feelings above my own. I have learned that I have people in my life whom I can trust. Granted they are few and far between, but they are there. I knew it all along I just never embraced it.



It doesn't stop there. There is one more instance that I have to admit to. My best friend in the world, my brother from another mother as they say, is in pain. Horrible pain and I do nothing to help him. I mean, sure I say the words and go through the motions, I'm here for him, but I'm not HERE for him. This disgusts me. I know it gets a little tiring giving him the same advice just to watch some little skank take advantage of his heart. It makes me so pissed off sometimes I just want to slap him so he can see the light. He's so much better than all these girls who just use him and abuse his heart. I'm afraid one of these times his heart is just going to give up from being hurt so much. I don't want to see this happen, yet I haven't really tried to do anything to help him. Not yet that is, but rest assured I have slapped myself hard enough tonight to see the light. The light that my best friend in the world is hurting and needs help and I'm gonna be there for him.



That's all I have for now. In no way does this make up for anything that I have done, but I hope it starts me on the right path. Maybe I can put my past in a box marked sacred memories and just move on. That is what I need to do. Be there for my loved ones and them alone.