Selfish

So, I have come to realize some more interesting things about myself. I have realized that no matter what it pertains to, I make everything about me. I want to blame that on my past and that throughout my childhood I was the only one there for me. That so many times the people I trusted and put my faith in, just ended up abusing it and me in the process. I don't know how many times I'm going to use this excuse and continue to beat my past into a corner until I slaughter it and forget all about it. But, that's not what the saying goes. Learn from your past. I have just now started learning from my past, today actually. Early today when I realized that the reason why my past relationship failed, was in large part, due to me and my selfishness. I made everything about me, even though it wasn't. Her grandmother dies, she's going through a rough time, and I make things about me. I'm not going to say how I intially did this, just know that it makes me feel horrible down to my very soul. Sure, I can say that I didn't realize what was happening, but the worst part is I probably did know what was happening and I just tuned it out for my own selfish reasons. Only today did I learn how much of a jerk I am, and it actually made me cry. She did not deserve what I had done, and instead of apologising, I made it even worse. I created an even larger rift between us, one that I hope she gives me the chance to repair. I promise from this day forth that I will put my loved ones feelings above my own. I have learned that I have people in my life whom I can trust. Granted they are few and far between, but they are there. I knew it all along I just never embraced it.



It doesn't stop there. There is one more instance that I have to admit to. My best friend in the world, my brother from another mother as they say, is in pain. Horrible pain and I do nothing to help him. I mean, sure I say the words and go through the motions, I'm here for him, but I'm not HERE for him. This disgusts me. I know it gets a little tiring giving him the same advice just to watch some little skank take advantage of his heart. It makes me so pissed off sometimes I just want to slap him so he can see the light. He's so much better than all these girls who just use him and abuse his heart. I'm afraid one of these times his heart is just going to give up from being hurt so much. I don't want to see this happen, yet I haven't really tried to do anything to help him. Not yet that is, but rest assured I have slapped myself hard enough tonight to see the light. The light that my best friend in the world is hurting and needs help and I'm gonna be there for him.



That's all I have for now. In no way does this make up for anything that I have done, but I hope it starts me on the right path. Maybe I can put my past in a box marked sacred memories and just move on. That is what I need to do. Be there for my loved ones and them alone.

2 In The Morning

So, It's 2 in the morning, like the title says and I am still up, watching older sports movies that make me tear up like a baby. Yeah, it's really freaking sad, but meh. I do enjoy a good movie. Anyway, 2 in the morning and nothing to do so I figured I would write. I almost spelled that right, so that shows how well this is going to go.

So, I think I have made a break through in trying to understand the complexity that is the female mind. I fully understand that I will never know what is going on inside of it. If the male mind were as complicated as the female mind then I do not believe we would ever accomplish anything because we were to enthralled in trying to figure out what the other one was thinking, but alas, the male mind was created with a flaw, when something stumps us, we either beat it, or give up on it. I'm aware there were way too many comma's there. Leave me alone. Anyway, like I was saying, since beating would get us know where with the opposite gender, we give up, but go on smiling like we know what they are talking about and what there next move is. Also, I have realized that women like to play games. I do not mean sports like football or basketball, I mean mind games. I believe that the reason they play them is simply because they can. Hell, I would, but I'm a guy. And they are VERY good at it. I'm sorry for stereotyping and if you do not fall in this category, feel free to correct me. Anyway, back to playing games. It seems as though I am always the one that is getting played with, but I realize now that is not the case. I'm just more susceptible to it. Anyway, there is no use complaining about it, because atleast I am getting some kind of attention. So, now that

I'm done exploring the vastness of females, I'm moving on.

Why do people lie? This is the one thing that I can not understand. I don't mean a little lie. I mean why do people tell obvious lies that will be found out, yet expect the other person to be stupid enough to just accept it? That makes no sense to me. UGH!

Alright, so I'm done with that too. Now, I do not have a whole lot to write about because I haven't done a whole hell of a lot today, and I'm too tired to think of anything else that's on my mind, so I'm going to sleep before I actually come up with something thought provoking.

P.S. I do not understand this damn thing at all!!!

So, in an attempt to reply to someones comment I got lost, then turned around, then cried in a corner and finally had to call my mother to come pick me up. So, who ever I was trying to comment too, it didn't happen and I gave up.

Looking Back

This was an old blog that I had written and saved, but never got around to posting. I should update it and state that that relationship has come down in a crumbling heap of disappointment and continuous let downs, but for now I will save the sanctity of the message in hopes that in the future I will actually find someone who lives up to this inspirations of this post.



You know that point in your life where you've watched one too many staples commercials and you almost believe that the easy button exists. Well, I'm at that point in my life where I want that button, and everything thats associated with it. I want to be able to press a button and instantly get my PhD that I am striving so hard to get even though I haven't even (technically) completed my first class on my way to get it. I want a button that will instantly give me all the money I could possibly hope to ever need. I want a button that will give me that relationship that I want, the perfect kind. You know what I'm talking about, atleast you should if you're any normal american. Yeah, I know normal American is getting even harder to define now-a-days but just bare with me for this little portion of perfectness. Anyway, as I was saying, perfect relationship with all the trust in the world, all the love in the world, and the best intentions for that relationship to last. I want a button that will make all of my past change instantly to a pleasant memory never again to haunt my dreams. Except, as you all may very well be aware of, that button doesn't exist and I am betting it will never exist. So, you have to work your hardest on making them work on your own, except that the older I grow, the more it seems that everything is against those perfect dreams. I'm aware that I can not change my past, be it my child hood, or my trip to jail recently. All I can do with my past is learn from it and attempt never to make those mistakes again, whether it's not treating my children the same way, or never neglecting to pay a ticket, no matter how slanted it may seem. So, I can accept that my past won't change and that I've learned a valuable lesson. As for the college, it seems that every time I've made up my mind about going back, something hinders my progress. This time it was a trip to jail, last time it was my own procrastination, but I do see in my future, college, and I think it will be my near future, say January-ish. Maybe as my own birthday present to myself, so I'm not worrying too much about that because I've got plenty of good years ahead of me with plenty of opprotunity to learn and grow. Most recently, and what propelled me into this mood to right would be the subject of the perfect relationship. That seems to be an impossible notion, no matter how hard you tried to make it seem true. Something always happens to test that bond that you have made with your significant other. And sometimes that something wears away at you until it is in no way capable of being fixed. I have recently viewed my relationship as of late to be some what perfect, but as I have stated that is impossible. Now, on and off I have been with my girlfriend for close to two years. We've had our trouble, and a lot of it but it seemed that my going to jail was the final push in the right direction for us. Both seeming to realize that we need one another more than we previously thought. Things were going so well for a few weeks until tonight when something happened to shake me significantly. It made me realize how much emotional attachment I have in this relationship and it scares me because if it doesn't work out with us, then what will happen? I love her with all of my heart. After everything we've been through I would not choose to be with anyone else in the entire world, which is a frightening concept to most people, but not to me. I have no fear of commitment, atleast when it comes to her I don't, but it is sometimes difficult to really see if your other feels the same way. It's impossible to try to guess what is going on inside of her head. What she thinks about when she looks at you, what she sees when she looks in the future, will you be there with her? Will she be happy with you? I can tell you what I think about when I look at her, I think that it is too real to be true, that any moment I will wake up. She is my angel in a world full of demons. She is my guiding light through the shadows. I don't know what I would do with out her, which is why I try not to think about it. I guess I've been rambling for a while without making much sense, but all I really want to say is this. I love her and that will never change. I just hope it is the same for her. Well it's late and I'm not even making much sense to me, so I'm going to go lay down and let the thoughts swirl. Later.

Just Whelmed

Today I am not overwhelmed. Today I am not underwhelmed. Today I am just what I am and what I was always meant to be at this moment in my life.



I am not sure what it is that makes me reach out to the people in my past for assurances that the people in my future will not hurt me in the same way that they did.

I can not seem to place my finger on what it is that I'm so desperately trying to hold on to. Whether it is the fear that I will follow in my own footsteps that have left me so bruised and battered on the inside, or fear of the unknown. The fear that if I take a new path, one I have never been down before, my past experiences would repeat themselves. Maybe it is fear that I will find something so mind blowing and altering that I do not know how I would deal with it. I seem to have an affinity for staying away from things that will make me happy. I do not know what does it, or even why, but the choices I make always tend to lead me towards sadness. I make these choices even though I am conscience of what the outcome will be, for the most part.

So, at work the other day, I saw a co-worker wearing a shirt that simply stated, ''money can't buy you love.'' I responded with, it can't buy you poverty, either. Now that I have had time to think about it, that was a curious reply to an overly used idiom. Well, I believe it was a curious reply, but I was also the one who said it. In essence, you can not buy yourself poor. Now, what that has to do with anything, I can not say. Except for our slowly failing economy that I have heard so much talk about at work. Honestly, and I know this is not the most intelligent thing to say, but I do not care about our economy. The only thing that recent talk of it has done is piss me off even more. Ever single person whining about the present condition of our economy, and yet I do not see them doing a single thing to try and fix it. I can not stand hypocrites. It is starting to annoy me just writing about it so I am going to jump subjects.

Have you ever missed someone so much that just the smell of them sends an ocean of memories cascading through your brain. Almost like a brain freeze without the ice cream and you realize how much you miss them and how miserable you are. I find it amazing that one simple smell on a pair of my pants could tear down this wall I have built up around my heart, trying to keep the loneliness at bay. So, here I am, trying to rebuild my wall of solitude and reticence.

Anyway, this is all I have to talk about for now. Emotions are getting in the way of my lucid thought processes. I will leave with this though.

On my way to work this morning I saw the most intriguing bumper sticker. ''If going to church makes you a Christian, does going to the garage make you a car?"

Long Road

So, this doesn't really have anything to do with anything, but it happens to be one of my favorite quotes.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.


So, I've been doing a lot of growing up recently, trying to be independent and preparing myself for the long journey that is known as ''A Responsible Adult". It's going to be a tough journey for me because I do not have a lot of practice at it. What I do have practice at is making miserable decisions, and getting in trouble. I've just lost the person I thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I'm not going to whine or cry about it because it was just as much my fault as it was hers. It doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would, but it still hurts. In the morning when I wake up and check my phone, and realize there's no text from her. I'm getting used to that, but once again it's going to be a slow process.

I went to jail a few months ago for failure to pay off a massive quantity of tickets. I know it was my mistake and jail was an experience to say the least. I don't wish to ever relive that. It wasn't tough, it's just the thought of waking up day after day without being able to talk to your loved ones. I believe that's the hardest part about it. I was some what happy while I was in because I thought my record would finally be clean. I was mistaken but I wouldn't find that out until later. My main worries were that when I got out, I wouldn't have a job, which I still did, and I wouldn't have a place to stay, which I still did. Aren't friends the BEST in the world, Always there when you need them. Well, I got out a month later to find out that I had another four warrants out totaling 1100 dollars. YAY! All because I didn't go to court for those tickets. Except, I was supposed to go to court for those while I was still in jail. So, once again screwed by the system.

I have a new job that is quite possible the best job I've ever had. I work at Weber Aircraft in Gainesville. We build seats for airplanes. Yeah, not the most luxurious job. I'm not going to save someones life, or change their outlook on anything, but it's a good honest job. I have met plenty of friends up there that are awesome. I'm learning a lot being there. I'm a mechanic on our line, so I just fix the problems everyone else screws up. Which seems to be a lot, but hey, we're only human. I hope.

My car is in the impound, not good. I can't afford to get it out, thanks again to jail. They wouldn't let anyone get it out except me and seeing as I was in jail that wasn't possible. So by the time I was out of jail the bail as it were, for my car was astronomical. WOOT WOOT! So, now I'm still paying on a car I do not possess and the fees just continue to incur on my poor car. A buddy at work has hooked me up with a '91 Blazer. 200 Dollars, I couldn't turn it down.

Back to this growing up thing, now that I have caught people up on the past year. I have started to pay off all my past debts, which seem to be even more numerous than I was aware of. It's going to be a long slow road, but a road I'm going to be proud of standing at the end of and saying, I have just accomplished this. I have enrolled for the Spring semester at the local community college. I still have my goal of becoming a Psychologist. It seems that in these times that is what we need most. People who care selflessly about other people. It's going to be another long journey but I am certain that I can accomplish this one as well.

Well, that's all I have for now. I will start writing more after I have gotten the hang of it again. I have missed this. Later.

Blah

So, it's been awhile since I've posted on anything and well, this seems to be the only place where my ex doesn't have a site. So this will be my new home for the time being. I don't really have much to say at the moment because of lack of sleep. Lack of sleep means my brain is incapable of functioning to it's fullest extent right now, so I'm just rambling like the ramblers of the olden days do oh so well. I'm guessing. Anyway, I'll start the real blogging tomorrow. Just wanted to get up and running.